The Cow Survival Guide
đ Â Story of the Week #39
After the last weekend, Iâve been compelled to write a cow attack survival guide. I couldnât find one, so I have to presume itâs because there havenât been any survivors up until now.
Below is a story on getting charged at by a cow and how I lived to tell the tale.
The farmers said weâd be fine. Ten minutes later, we were wrestling with a barbed wire fence to avoid a cowâs lethal charge.
I can sense your scepticism; cows arenât dangerous. Physics says otherwise. Theyâre 500kg and can run up to 25mph. Thatâs like being hit by a car that bites and tramples you once youâre down.
Bones will break.
Some context for any non-UK readers: you can walk through most fields with livestock in them. You leave them alone; they leave you alone.
Cows with fresh baby cows are different. Theyâre very territorial. You have to take precautions.
Give them a wide birth, donât make eye contact, and make enough noise, so they know youâre coming. Donât spook them, or youâre in trouble.
Our cow started to moo. There were a dozen of them, all docile with their bovine babies. But one cow, letâs call her Janet, started to moo at us.
No, we didnât have a dog. We were doing everything right, but Janet didnât like us.
We were over 30 metres away, approached to avoid surprising them, and we were almost to the other side of the field. We thought we were going to make it. Thatâs when Janet snapped.
When a cowâs moo turns into a roar, and it starts charging towards you, thatâs when you need an escape plan.
Rule 1: assume that youâll need an escape plan from the start. Weâd already inched ourselves halfway to the perimeter. Unluckily, it was a barbed wire fence.
We had to think fast.
Rule 2: donât turn your back on a cow, and donât run. That will make them charge.
If the cow is already charging, ignore Rule 2 and rush into the Barbed Wire Fence Protocol.
Barbed Wire Fence Protocol: throw any bags over the fence. Grab a part of the fence without any barbs, and pull down to make a gap you can slip through.
Warning: Make sure your coats donât get caught.
Our coats got caught. Weâre half in and half out.
The cow was 3 meters away.
Iâm here. You know I made it. The damage was a torn coat, a cut-up hand, a bloody ankle, and a new sense of panic.
The fence had contained the angry mama cow, but she kept roaring at us. All the other cows had joined her by now and had formed an upset chorus.
We thought we were out of harm's way, but what if there were something worse in the paddock weâd fled into?
Gingerly, we surveyed the new paddockânothing dangerous, just a fabulous swan and some ducks. We told them of the murder cow just yonder. They quacked. They understood.
Cows in the spring are dangerous. More people die from cows than sharks.
Donât become a statistic.
Or worse, have your tombstone read, âDeath by cow.â
Staying alive,
Jamie
